Headaches
by IceblazeAshstorm
Summary: Y/n, a mentally unstable girl is invited to help investigate the Kira case. The only problem with it is she's been in a mental hospital for the past six years, and hasn't left once. Well, that and the headaches. Cover by me! DISClAIMER, I don't own the anime, characters, or lyrics used. -TRIGGER WARNING- M for saftey -Mentions/Scenes of SI -Mentions/(maybe)Scenes of Suicide
1. Prologue

Headaches

 _ **Prologue:**_

 _Chief Yagami stands at the window, looking out across the darkened city. It was just past midnight, giving everything a surreal touch. The others had gone home already, save for L and Mr. Yagami._

 _"Ryuzaki, we need more hands working this case. There's too much work for just the few of us to handle." Chief Yagami states, crossing is arms and turning towards the man staring at a computer screen. Being as the screen one of the only lights in the room, it casting a dim light on his face._

 _"Hm? Yes, I suppose you're right." Ryuzaki- or L - replies without looking up from his computer screen, displaying the Kira case files._ _It'd be nice to have more agents, but if there's too many people… Just one more will do._ _"Nevertheless, I'll only allow one additional person to join us on this case. Too many people would make this investigation too apparent. Pick who you'd like, though I'll be interviewing them privately before deciding whether or not they'll be allowed to work alongside us on this case." L says, still not moving his gaze from the screen in front of him._

 _"I've actually already thought of someone." The Chief says, moving across the darkened room to sit in the seat next to L._

 _"Oh? Who might that 'someone' be?" L asks curiously, looking from the dim screen to Chief Yagami._

 _"F/n L/n. She's helped with a few cases in the past, and-"_

 _"Wasn't she institutionalized for a suicide attempt six years ago?" L asks, turning back from the Chief to his computer screen, casting a soft light on his face._ _A mentally unstable girl as one of our agents, she could jeopardize this case! Or worse…_

 _"Well…yes." The Chief says. "But I've been in contact with the hospital, and they've told me she's improved-"_

 _"Oh, has she now?" L says, cutting him off again. "I'll have to speak with her myself to determine that."_

 _"That's all I'm asking." Chief Yagami says standing up walking away, leaving just L and his computer._

 _"F/n L/n." L says, opening an internet tab and typing your name into the search box. He brings his thumb to his mouth as he navigates to a page about you, displaying your picture in the top right corner. "Perhaps…"_

 _ **(Hey, you!**_

 _ **Thanks for reading this. This is the first fanfic I've actually published, so could you tell me what you think? Also, special thanks to Morgs and Nova, they reviewed it a bit for me. Also, DISCLAIMER, I don't own Death Note or the characters, though I wish I did. Oh, one more thing.**_

 _ **SMILE. Okay, bye.**_

 _ **-Iceblaze)**_


	2. Chapter 1

Headaches

 _ **Chapter 1:**_

 __You laid on the white bed in your white room and stared at the white ceiling. Well, it wasn't _completely_ white. You had managed to convince the staff to give you little glow in the dark stars, which you had stuck in random places on the ceiling, making it rainbow rather than white. They were comforting to look at, and they were also what marked the room as yours. Your room was mostly empty, as they didn't trust you very much. That's okay though, you didn't really trust yourself either.

You'd attempted suicide three times. The first time, being the one that landed you here the first time, you miraculously survived. They told you so, too. 'You shouldn't have woken up.', those were the doctors exact words. But you did, and the next few times that occurred within a few weeks of each other only a month after you'd been released weren't nearly as bad. You knew you wouldn't die, or be seriously injured for that matter, but all you could think about in those moments was the release from the headaches that plagued you. Alas, you were still here, and your head hurt worse than ever.

Moving into a cross-legged position on your bed, you looked around at your rather drab room. All you had was the bed, a trunk full of books, a table with two chairs, and a radio. All white, as it made you more comfortable. They didn't want so many things in here to keep you from stressing out. Which was probably a good thing, the more things out of place, the worse your OCD got. But it didn't help much. You still managed to get stuck in loops, which usually warranted a nurse coming to your rescue and a light sedative. They never told you why they gave you a sedative, but guessed and took it anyway.

Then you looked down at your bandaged arms, covered by a long sleeved white shirt. Yes, that was probably why. It hadn't taken them long to figure out that you took a razor to your skin after getting stuck, which sometimes resulted in another loop. Your gaze moved from your arms to your dried out hands, which were starting to crack. Washing your hands was where the loops started most of the time. You'd wash them again and again, but not manage to do it the _right_ way. Never mind the fact that you didn't know what the right way was.

It was at that thought that an intense pain stabbed behind the area above your left eyebrow, causing you to drop your head in your hands and close your eyes, clenching your jaw until the pain lessened. It was still there, but not paralyzing. So you pulled the 'CALL' cord next to your bed and waited for your nurse, Ashley, to come to your aid.

Which she did. A few minutes later she entered with a glass of water and two tiny blue pills. That was all you were allowed to have, but they were strong. You didn't know exactly what they were, but they worked well enough.

"Y/n, sweetheart, are you alright?" Ashley asked. You could tell she was sincere, unlike the old doctors that visited you. Unlike them, Ashley had been taking care of you since you'd been moved here.

"Yeah, I'd say maybe a four out of ten." You answered, then looked at the medicine and water she held in her hand. "Is that the sedative?" You asked her, the pain in your head causing you to squint slightly.

"Yes, it looked like you needed it." She said warmly, then handed you the pills. You accepted them gratefully and popped one in your mouth then took a drink of the sedative. It tasted almost sweet. You did the same with the other then downed the rest of the glass. Ashley looked at you and raised an eyebrow.

"Y/n, you haven't eaten all day, and its past midnight." She said. Your eyes were already drooping, and you could feel the pain slowly ebbing away.

"I know." You said, then pulled back the covers and got under them. "Could you turn on the radio, please? The silence is bothering me." You said, lying on your side.

"Sure." You heard the nurse say "Goodnight." You heard the light click off and the door close, leaving you alone in the dark. A particular song floated out of the radio, but you couldn't remember the title. The last lyric you heard was ' _So you can leave like the sane abandoned me.'_ And with that, you were asleep.

Your sleep was deep and dreamless, which was a rare occurrence. You didn't often sleep, and when you did, your sleep was usually light and reckless. There was a common occurrence of nightmares as well. Well, more like night terrors. The hospital staff probably knew about them, but you never complained about it. The answer to everything was medication it seemed. You hated the medications though. The only ones you took were the painkillers and the sedatives.

The light coming through the barred window wasn't what woke you up; it was the quiet voices talking outside your room. You couldn't make out what exactly what was being said, but you wondered if the conversation was about you. Yes, it probably was. But it didn't really bother you. _Unless, they're considering sending me home…_ You thought. _No, they can't do that. I don't have a home._

You'd lived within the walls of this hospital for six, almost seven years, and not once had you tried to leave. Aside from the fact that you weren't necessarily _allowed_ to leave, you honestly didn't want to. Life here was so…predictable, easy to manage. Never once here did you feel as overwhelmed as you did when you were part of the normal world. This place was anything but normal, but that made it interesting.

Plus, it was nice being able to rely on people to stop your loops. You looked down at your hands again, dried and cracked. You had been doing better for a while, but for some reason, recently you'd been falling into the same old habits. The loops and the headaches were getting bad again, and even the urge to cut had been returning. But now, these things were becoming stronger than ever. And if you had noticed, that means everyone else would too. It didn't take Ashley very long to catch on, mostly because she or some other nurse had to inspect your room once a week. Anything they didn't like or they thought was dangerous was confiscated.

The voices got quieter, and then disappeared all together. Probably because they'd walked away from your room to go discuss some other psycho that lived here too. Which was fine with you, but you wondered why they were outside your door for so long. Or maybe they hadn't been there for more than a few minutes. Time seemed to flow differently in here than it did out there. Sure there were clocks, but it was easy to lose track of the time, or forget that there was an entire world on the other side of these walls.

 _An entire world…_ You thought. _Yes, an entire rotting world filled with nothing but misery._ Okay, so maybe you were a bit of a pessimist, but it was better than getting your hopes up and watching them crash down.

It was then that your door clicked open and Ashley came in, holding two colorfully wrapped boxes in her hand. _A gift for me? How odd…_

"It's your birthday!" Ashley said enthusiastically and set the boxes on your table. They didn't line up exactly, so you got up from your bed and fixed them. You started positioning them so the smaller one was centered upon the larger one. While you were doing that, Ashley turned off the radio, which had been on since the night before. "Also, I have some news." She said, watching you repositioning the boxes. "But I want you to open those first."

So you did. You opened the smaller box first, and found a box of colored pencils, and in the second package there was a sketchbook. "It took me a while to convince my boss to let you have these, so please don't… you know." She said, watching you open the sketchbook and pencils. You started to take out each pencil and testing it on the page, drawing then filling in a little square to see the precise shade of each color.

"Now, onto the news," Ashley said, still watching you draw the uniform squares. Honestly, this made you a little uncomfortable. _It's as if she's trying to avoid making eye contact. This is unlike her; probably meaning whatever she wants to tell me might be bothersome._ "You're supposed to be having a visitor soon." She said, her gaze moving from the sketchbook to you. _Yes, definitely bothersome._

"When?" You asked, your tone almost sounding angry.

"Tomorrow or the next day, I'm not sure. I wanted to tell you so you were prepared…"

"Prepared? I haven't spoken to anyone aside from medical personnel in _years_. How do I prepare for something like this?" You said, cutting her off. You could hear your voice, as if you were outside of your body.

You could tell the panic attack was coming, and Ashley probably could too. When put your head between your knees and started screaming, the radio was turned on and the volume was turned up high, probably as high as it could go.

It was as if you were another person standing in the room. You saw and heard yourself, but weren't actually in control of yourself. Well, you never really were in control of yourself, but still. You don't really know how long you were sitting like that, you just remember your throat becoming raw and your voice giving out. You remember Ashley hitting the 'CALL' button and another nurse arriving with a pill and a glass of clear liquid. By the time you had processed that it was an anxiety pill and another sedative, you were already tucked into bed and falling asleep. Somehow, the radio had become awfully quiet.

Ashley ended up staying for another hour, or maybe it was just a few minutes. You opened your eyes slightly. There was a sliver of light as the door opened and closed, and you briefly saw the silhouette of a man. You were asleep as soon as the door closed, barely hearing the last lyric ' _From the razor to the rosary…_

 _ **(A/N**_

 _ **Hey! Thanks for reading. This is my first fanfic (well first published) soo I apologize if you think it's terrible. DISCLAIMER, I don't own the anime, characters, or lyrics. Also, SMILE! You people are gorgeous when you're happy. :3**_

 _ **-Iceblaze)**_


	3. Chapter 2

Headaches

 **Chapter Le Two:**

"Y/n, wake u- Christ!" is what you awoke to. You were really confused for a moment, until you saw the white bed sheets brown with dried blood. _Strange, I don't remember harming myself last night…_ Then you remembered the nightmares that had woven themselves in and out of your sleep. Thanks to the sedative, you were unable to wake up. Somehow, you ended up tearing off the bandages and scratching the hell out of yourself. The wounds looked worse than they actually were though.

Then you noticed the man standing in the doorway. _The one from last night…_ You recall, taking in his appearance. He was dressed similarly to you, white long sleeves and jeans, the only difference being that he didn't have dried blood on him. His hair was black and messy, his eyes black and sporting dark circles. He looked calm and relaxed, not fazed by your physical state. _Almost as if he was expecting it._ Then you realized the two of you had been maintaining eye contact, this entire time, matching each other's stone expressions.

You were forced to break the stare first as Ashley pulled you into the bathroom and undressed you. She scrubbed your bloodstained skin and dressed your arms with the first aid kit that was kept under the sink for this exact reason. After about ten minutes, you were released back into the room, dressed in similar, clean clothes. Ashley went and started pulling the stained sheets off your bed, so you sat in one of the chairs at the table and watched.

"Hello, F/n, I'm Ryuzaki." The man said as Ashley exited the room with the sheets. You didn't hear him, though; you were too focused on the radio. It was still on, just barely audible. You were trying to figure out the song that was playing; all you could pick up was _'Way down, way down, way down…'_ The name was on the tip of your tongue. _God, what was_ _it!_

The man cleared his throat, changing your attention from the music to him.

"Yes?" You asked, your voice holding a hint of sarcasm.

"As I said before, my name is Ryuzaki." He said, speaking in the same way as before.

"Yes, I heard you the first time." You said and pulled your legs up on the chair, sitting in a position odd to everyone else, but entirely normal to you. "What brings you here, my dear Ryuzaki?" Accidentally, you made eye contact again, and then quickly looked away. _Oh God._ Your first visitor in literally _years_ , and it wasn't going well.

"I'm here to visit you, obviously." He said and moved onto the bed, _your_ bed, mirroring your position. _Bullshit,_ You thought.

"No you aren't." You said, making eye contact again, but refusing to break it. "You're the first visitor I've had in years. No, you're the first visitor I've had ever. You must want something or you wouldn't be here. "

"Nice deduction. Yes, that is correct. I require your 'services' as a detective, I'm sure you've heard of the 'Kira' case-"He started, but you cut him off.

"No, actually, I haven't. This may come as a surprise to you, but outside news doesn't usually find its way in _here_." You explained, looking away from him to the pencils and sketchbook on the table. Subconsciously, you took selected a(n) f/c pencil from the box and began drawing on the white table.

"Nevertheless, I want you to work with us on the case."

Unintentionally, you laughed at his serious tone. _Me? Outside this hospital? Are they sure I'm the insane one?_

 _"_ Was that comical?" Ryuzaki questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, I don't think the doctors will allow me to leave here. You know, because I'm insane?" You said without looking up from your drawing. You managed to draw a bird, a beautiful one honestly.

Ryuzaki got up and knelt down in front of you. "Listen to me." He intoned. You glanced up from your drawing, your e/c eyes up meeting his black ones. "I wouldn't ask this of you unless I was entirely sure you would be able to handle it, but if you _think_ you can't, I won't force you to." He said in a serious tone.

You paused a moment to consider this, escaping from his gaze and looking down at your feet. "What if I… I don't know…" You began softly. _I want to do this, but…_

"I'll be there, as will a few others to monitor your behavior. Additionally, this is an experiment of sorts." He explained, and then stood up. "I'll let you decide, tell your nurse when you're ready." You watched him walk to the door. "And decide soon, please. I hate waiting." He added over his shoulder, then left. The door shut behind him, leaving you alone once more.

"So, you're going then?" Ashley says, scrubbing your artwork off the table. So far, you hadn't used the sketchbook, opting instead to sketch on the table in random places. But your mind hadn't been on the drawings. You had been thinking about Ryuzaki offer. _Away from here… I never imagined._ Eventually, you decided to go.

"I…Yeah I think so." You said, sitting cross legged on your bed, which had been remade with clean sheets. Looking around your room, you decided that you would only be packing clothes, and maybe the sketchbook and pencils. After all, it wasn't like you had many personal possessions. Your thoughts were the only things that you fully owned.

"Fantastic! I'll tell Ryuzaki and pack for you." Ashley said, standing from the table which was once again plain white. "Thank you." You said and watched her leave before lying down on your covers. You could already tell it would be a sleepless night, the events of the day causing insane amounts of anxiety. _Just take it slow, one meltdown at a time._ You reminded yourself.

"Wait, f/n, have you talked to Cecelia or Anya?" She inquired, stepping back in the room. Cecelia and Anya were the only two friends you'd made during your time here. Though you weren't allowed to socialize daily, you still managed to keep a friendship.

Cecelia was depressed, like you, and had body dysmorphic disorder, unlike you. She had moved in only a few months after you for, like you, a suicide attempt. Though, unlike you, there was a possibility she would be able to leave. You would probably stay here forever, being as you required constant monitoring.

Anya had been relocated here from a different hospital in Russia, mainly because they didn't know how to handle her. Truthfully, nobody could figure out what was wrong with her. She'd been an honor student until she flew off the handle. The doctors couldn't fix it, so she, like you, had to stay here.

"No, I haven't." You answered, looking up at Ashley. "Could you inform them, please?"

"Sure." She replied and left the room once more.

Later, another nurse entered, interrupting your thoughts. She carried a tray with soup, crackers, and what looked like juice. She set down the tray on your table and left without a word, not unusual. You sat down to eat, but before taking a bite you realized how quiet the room was. The radio had been turned off at some point, so you turned it back on. You turned the radio up moderately loud and tried to focus on your soup and crackers, which were delicious. But your mind kept wandering to what the next few days would bring. It was quite possible you would have a meltdown at some point; you just hoped it wasn't too horrific, and that you'd be able to keep the casualties to a minimum.

Then the headache struck. It was your right temple this time, and the sudden stabbing pain caused you to crush the cracker in your hand. It wasn't too intense; it just caught you a bit off guard. When you'd recovered enough, you dropped the pieces of the cracker in your soup and stood up. You weren't hungry anymore, you were tired. No, you didn't know what you were feeling. Your emotions began swirling around inside you, giving rise to panic. Then, the song lyrics were all that it took to send you over the edge. ' _Another knife in my hands, a stain that never comes off the sheets…'_

The bowl shattered easily, and if Ashley had not been outside your room on the way to check up on you, you might've used it. But Ashley heard the bowl fragmentize, and rushed into the room to make sure you hadn't done anything stupid, and you hadn't yet. Before you could do anything, Ashley sat you on your bed and began cleaning up the soup covering the floor. Each time you offered to help, or tried to get up, she forced you to sit back down.

"Now, I'm not going to tell about this, Y/n." She said, her tone sounding slightly irritated. "But I can't promise guarantee that nobody was watching." She said and looked up at the security camera. All rooms had them, for this reason precisely. "So I want you to go to bed and try to sleep." She commanded, pilling up the dirty napkins on the tray where she'd placed the shards of the bowl. You were still sitting silently on your bed when she walked out, broken bowl and all.

 _ **(Hello!**_

 _ **Thanks for reading this, and I'm sorry if you didn't like it, I'm not very confident about this chapter either. Oh btw, I'm going to**_ _ **try**_ _ **to update once a week, usually on Sunday. Also, DISCLAIMER, I don't own the anime, characters, or lyrics used. And, seeing as this is about you, I don't own you either.**_

 _ **What's your favorite color?**_

 _ **-Iceblaze)**_


	4. Chapter 3

Headaches

 _ **Chapter Le 3:**_

 __If you said you slept well, you'd be lying.

Truthfully, you hardly slept at all. Not that it was unusual for you to continue days without resting, but it was unusual to be so anxious. Thoughts of what this investigation would bring dominated your mind, reminding you why you were in a hospital in the first place.

Your preliminary suicide attempt had no identifiable trigger. One day, without warning, you snapped. Nothing particularly unusual had happened, you weren't depressed, well, no more than usual, and thoughts of ending your life had never seriously occurred to you before. You just wanted to stop being a part of everything.

The snowball effect, you decided, was the best way to summarize it. After months of questioning yourself, all you could come up with was that. Things had just piled up; you couldn't really handle it anymore. You tried therapy for a while, but, being who you are as a person, you were much too reserved to open up to a complete stranger.

Therefore, you didn't. _A month._ You promised yourself, _I will try for a month. If this doesn't work, I'll give up._ So you tried, and the therapist tried, but something somewhere wasn't working. Eventually you realized there was no real way to help you. Sure, there was medication, but you'd refused it from the beginning. Even as a child when they tried to use it to control the OCD, compulsions, they called it, you refused. In fact, the only medications you agreed to take were painkillers. You could purchase them for dirt cheap, and they worked.

Well, for a _time_ , they worked. The maximum, the bottle instructed, that could be consumed daily was two. Some days you took four. Most days, however, you took at least six. Two when you awoke in the morning, two after you returned to your small apartment after work, and two before you went to bed.

After taking so many so often, your body required more. Six little pills a day did nothing for you anymore. You went from two at a time to three, sometimes even four. Now, eight was the daily minimum. It wasn't until a near overdose, sixteen in a day, that the thought occurred to you. _This needs to stop._ You decided whilst vomiting up everything you had eaten that week. You ended up spending that night in the bathroom, and taking off work the next day to recover.

'Work' was a librarian's assistant. It was hardly a job, you worked three days per week and made very little, but it was something to get you out of your apartment. And the librarian wanted the library in a constant state of perfection, which you could do. So, once every two hours, you would walk through the library and fixed everything that bothered you even the slightest.

Apparently, you and the librarian had different ideas of perfection.

Tables had been set in different positions purposefully because… well because the librarian thought it looked cool. Hip, she even said. But at least once a week you would find yourself aligning them perfectly. It irked the librarian, to say the least. Eventually, you were only allowed to deal with books. Checking them in, checking them out, and putting them away. _Fine by me_ , you thought, _moving those tables was becoming redundant anyway._

The reason you lost your job, however, had nothing to do with that. After a few months, the librarian had noticed that something about you wasn't exactly right. The loops, mainly, were what she noticed. She had involuntarily become your babysitter, and she hated it. She hated you.

Well, she'd never actually articulated that. But you could see it when she looked at you, when she spoke to you. Everything suggested that she didn't find you particularly likeable.

To be honest, you hated yourself too.

When she fired you, it wasn't the loops that had drawn the last straw, it was the cutting. True, maybe you were doing it in a bit of an excess, and maybe you could've tried to hide it better. You could've also not done it at the circulation desk.

You weren't quite sure why you had the urge to harm yourself at that moment, nonetheless the urge was there, and you always gave in eventually. So when you were found behind the circulation desk carving into yourself with a pen, she decided to let you go. That's also the day you admitted yourself to therapy.

After the given month, and seeing no improvement, you quit going. At the last session you could see that the therapist themselves thought you couldn't be helped. Exactly one week later, you would take a handful of pills. You had asked the therapist for a prescription hell bent on taking them for their intended purpose. But you always made up excuses not to. So you took a handful of antidepressants, and the neighbor found you.

Later, you were told that she went to check on you due to the fact that they couldn't hear any music. They found this interesting; worrying, even. You always had some type of music playing, no matter what type. Well, you did purposely avoid some music, but most you were okay with listening to. Your favorite, however, was nonexistent. The darker, the more psychotic the lyrics were, the more you enjoyed the song. Music was flowing through your apartment at any given time you were home. All night, all day, deafeningly loud or barely audible, it was there. Evidently, your neighbor had noticed too.

Had they not been so observant, there was a good chance that you would've succumbed to the chemicals in your system. But they did, and you lived. And you survived the next two attempts, which weren't nearly as deadly.

After the first time, it felt as if a string had been cut inside you. After, everything had gone downhill. You were looping several times daily, and cutting several times weekly. The headaches had increased intensity, and you were noticeably more depressed. The next two attempts were simply folly, merely a spur of the moment decision. Stupid decisions at that, they landed you. You were examined, and it was decided you were incapable of living on your own. This, in all honesty, was probably true.

Not saying that you hated this place, because honestly, you didn't.

In fact, you enjoyed it here. Unlike the outside world, events her were easily predictable. You knew when you would be fed, you knew the nurses schedules, and you weren't force fed medication. Well, except for when you had a freak out, then they gave you one of two little pills. One was little and white, and it calmed you down enough to keep you from hurting yourself. The other, being red rather than white, knocked you out almost instantly. But that pill was usually reserved for when you unable to be reasoned with, or when they found you with a razor and fresh blood on your arms.

Self injury wasn't an often occurrence, but it wasn't necessarily rare either. If you felt the need to, you would find something to do it with. Once, you had found an old, rusty razor out in the gardens, which were poorly kept. You managed to smuggle it into your room, and even used it, but they found it right away. Usually, though, you just used your nails. And they couldn't exactly take those away from you.

When Ashley came in and found you making your bed, the first question she asked was "Are you stuck?"

Really, you had made your bed three times already, but each time felt wrong. So you stripped the bed and did it again. And again. "No." You lied, smoothing out the sheets you'd just tucked under the mattress.

"Stop, then." She ordered. But you couldn't, she got you. "I'm not done yet." You replied, placing two pillows equally distanced apart. She caught on, though. Gently, she put her hands on your shoulders and pulled you away, sitting you down at your table. "Thanks." You whispered as she finished your bed.

"Now, then." She said, turning to face you. "They decided to discharge you tomorrow, for the time it takes to do… whatever you're doing." She said. "But, as soon as it's done, you're coming right back here." She finished, crossing her arms.

"Yes," You nodded, "I assumed as much. There's no way they would let me do this unless there was someone babysitting me." Your voice was tinged with annoyance. You looked up at the nurse, "Isn't that right?" You questioned.

"Don't get smart with me." She warned with a serious look on her face. "After your incident yesterday, you're lucky they're letting you go at all." She retorted.

"You got me." You surrendered, holding up your hands.

"Today," She continued, "You'll have an hour each to visit Cecelia and Anya."

"Can we all go to the garden?" You asked. Honestly, you hated the garden. It was poorly kept; dead bushes and weeds covered most of the space. There was a stone table, though. And you hadn't been outside in over a month. You wanted to breathe fresh air, and you wanted to feel the sun on your skin. If you were leaving tomorrow, you figured this would be the best way to prepare.

"If you want, but you'll only have an hour." She reminded.

"Yes, I'm aware. I can go now, then?" You asked, standing up.

"I suppose, you know where they are." She answered. "I'll be coming by the garden to check on you in a bit, okay?" She asked, then without waiting for a reply, she left.

"So where are you running off to? Without us, I might add." Cecelia asked, lying across the stone table that had probably been there since before you were even born.

"I'm not 'running off'." You informed her while you played with her hair, trying to spread it out proportionally. "Anyway, you're the one who might be leaving soon." You retorted.

"Stop trying to change the subject." She commanded. "What do you think about all of this, Anya?" She asked, turning her head towards the other girl, and ruining your efforts on her hair.

"It's certainly…intriguing." Anya responded, her voice at a whisper. "You've never had a visitor, and now some guy shows up asking you to work with him?"

"I know, but this is also an experiment to see whether or not I can leave here." You explained to the two. "At least, that's what I've been told." You added after a second.

"Time's up, girls!" You heard Ashley call from the door. In unison, the three of you stood and left the concrete table. Ashley checked each of you at the door, making sure neither of you had potentially 'dangerous' objects on you. After finding nothing, you were escorted inside and shown to your respective rooms.

"Good luck." Cecelia whispered before departing.

 _Thanks. I'll need it._

 _ **(Thanks for all the views! Honestly, it really motivates me to keep this up, even if you don't really enjoy it. (Which, if you don't, I apologize.) I don't own you, the characters, or the anime. Really, I only own the computer it was written on. (Which kind of broke, but I fixed it.) So uh, yeah, hope you liked it!**_

 _ **-Iceblaze)**_


	5. Chapter 4

Headaches

 _ **Chapter le 4:**_

"Are you nervous, Y/n?" Ashley asked, standing in the doorway to your room.

"Not in the slightest." You lied. Honestly, you were mentally having a panic attack. All the possibilities of something going wrong were running through your mind, some faster than you could consider them.

"You can still call this off." She reminded you for the thirty seventh time. Yes, you had been counting.

"Like hell I will." You snapped, and heard your voice angrier than you had intended. "Sorry." You apologized, looking from her to the floor. "When will he be here?" You questioned after a moment.

"Soon, just relax." Ashley answered.

"Now, actually." A voice sounded from behind her, startling you. Ryuzaki appeared in the doorway behind the nurse. "Excuse me." He muttered and entered the room after Ashley had moved.

"Oh, welcome back." You said after he had sat on your bed, in exactly the same spot as last time.

"The pleasure is mine." He responded, his dark eyes catching yours.

"Are you sure you can do this?" Ashley questioned again, interrupting the staring contest only you knew about.

"Yes, I'm perfectly fine." You answered calmly, your gaze moving from Ryuzaki to her. "How long will this take, exactly?" You questioned the man.

"As long as it takes us to bring Kira to justice." He replied, sounding rather bored.

"Yes, remind me who Kira is again." You said. You remembered everything he had told you last time, but you asked just to be an ass. He didn't reply, instead he simply rolled his eyes.

"Well if you're both ready, we can leave." Ashley said after a moment of awkward silence. During which you had begun picking at the edge of the white bandage concealing your right forearm. You started to answer, but a stabbing pain began in your temples. It was hardly there at first, but it steadily grew more intense.

You could hear Ashley and Ryuzaki talking, but were too concentrated on breathing to notice. Your head hurt, enough to bring tears to your eyes. Concentrating on your breathing was preventing that. For the moment, anyway.

"Yes, I think that reasonable, don't you, Y/n?" Ryuzaki asked. But as soon as the words were out of Ryuzaki's mouth, a jolt of pain shot through you, causing you to drop your head into your hands.

"Y/n, honey?" You heard Ashley say, and felt her hand on your back. But her voice, even her touch felt far away. "Are you alright?" She asked, rubbing your back soothingly. You didn't answer for a few moments, not until the pain transitioned into a dull ache.

"I'm fine." You mumbled and stood up. "Shall we?"

Ryuzaki and Ashley merely walked past you into the hallway. Wordlessly you followed them into the hall, through the institution, and out the front door to the outside world. The moment you stepped out, you were assaulted by the bright signs and the loud noises coming from everywhere. Not given time to adjust, you were roughly put in the car by one of the security guards, muttering "Asshole." Under your breath once he closed the door.

You sat in the car and waited for a few moments, while you heard Ashley and Ryuzaki talking, about you no doubt, and wondered if they were already considering taking you back. You waited a few more moments, and then Ryuzaki entered the car, sitting across from you. The car pulled away and you watched the world pass by.

"Do you trust me?" You questioned suddenly, but seriously.

"No." Was all he said. Frankly, you didn't blame him.

"Smart man." You acknowledged.

 _"Damn right he is."_ Another voice said. But it wasn't yours, and it wasn't Ryuzaki's. Which meant it was the asshole in your head. You refused to accept this, and looked over at Ryuzaki questioningly.

"Yes?"

"You didn't say that?"

"No, Y/n, please be serious. It wasn't mentioned that you're schizophrenic." He stated.

"I'm not. There used to be a voice, but it left, and I'd prefer it stay gone." You nervously explained, looking away from the man opposite you and down to your feet instead.

 _"Then get rid of me, I dare you. I'm only a figment of your imagination, sweetheart."_

"Go away." You said, not meaning to.

"Y/n, I am currently considering taking you back to the hospital, please control yourself." Ryuzaki said flatly. "We haven't even been gone an hour, I'd hate to send you back already."

 _"Yes, control yourself my dear. Let's do something fun instead. We could rob a bank."_

 _No, that's illegal._

 _"Okay, we could blow up a gas station."_

 _No, asshole. Once again, that's illegal._

 _"You're no fun."_

 _Why are you so talkative all of a sudden? I could have used a conversation partner when I was locked up, you asshole._

" _Oh, because I'm not real, remember? You seem to keep forgetting that fact. You're the one who made me stop talking to you, it's your own damn fault my dear."_

 _Will you please just keep quiet?_

 _"Make me, I don't exist after all."_

 _Damn you._

 _"You love me."_

 _You're right, I do. Welcome back, asshole. Hey, I think I'll name you asshole._

 _"Fine by me."_

You sat in the darkened car and stared up at the hotel building through the window. For some reason, you were now having second thoughts about this. So many thing that could go wrong, and you had no idea who anyone else on this case would be, which was quite unsettling.

 _"Oh, c'mon sweetheart, don't fail me now."_ The voice said, not sounding sincere at all.

 _Hey, Asshole, shut up. You weren't locked away for being a fuck up._ You said, or rather thought, viciously. The voice didn't reply. But Ryuzaki did.

"Y/n, what are you doing?" He questioned, unamused. "We have a case to work on; we don't have time to sit around."

"Ryuzaki?"

"Yes, Y/n?"

"Shut the hell up."

"No, Y/n, get out of the car." He demanded, his dark eyes locking on you.

"I'm trying." You still didn't move, and Ryuzaki sighed.

"Y/n, what's wrong?" He questioned. You just shook your head. He was not your therapist, no way were you venting to him.

"Tell me." He pressed. God, you _hated_ pressing.

"I'm fucking fine." You said, and to prove it, you got out of the car and marched into the hotel lobby. Ryuzaki followed you, and the two of you silently took an elevator up to the correct floor. He led you down the carpeted hallway to the hotel room, and stood in front of the door. "After you."

A million thoughts ran through your head, and the situation in the car repeated, you refused to go in.

"Y/n, please, you've gotten this far." Ryuzaki stood behind you.

"Yes, I know, you're not helping." You retorted. "You're judging me." You added after a moment of uncomfortable silence spent staring at the door.

"It's what I do - It's a habit of mine."

"Do you trust me?" You questioned again.

"You've already asked me that, Y/n." Came the quite obviously annoyed response.

"Well I'm asking again, genius. Just answer the damn question."

"No, I don't trust you. Not in the slightest, nobody does, which is why there has to be a constant eye on you, it was part of the agreement to get you out. You have supplied no reason so far for anyone to trust you, so no."

 _"Even though I virtually am you, I don't trust either."_

"Fantastic answer. Here's a little secret, I don't trust me either." And with that, you pushed open the door and entered the room.

 _ **(Uh, Hi…**_

 _ **So yeah, this took a while. Long story short, I was busy. And writers block, but mostly busy. So, uh, yeah. Here it is, sorry it took so long and sorry if you don't like it. It is kind of short compared to the other chapters. But it's done.**_

 _ **(P.S., Are you happy now, Karen?)**_

 _ **-Iceblaze)**_


	6. PLEASE READ

HEY!

So, I've been gone for quite a while. A lot happened these last few months:

I moved (and I'm moving again shfnjsbjks)

I got a kitten omg she's so cute I love her (I've wanted one seriously my entire existence)

My dad, who I don't live with, spent a few months in Europe (I do most of my writing at his house)

Because he would be gone for some time, my dad let me bring home my computer, which promptly crashed. So yeah, I haven't been able to write.

School started, and my English class is AP. So, it's taken a lot of my willingness to write away. (Becsuse essays)

Most of my classes are note based, and I have two sign language classes within that, and a culinary class, so my hand has been hurting quite a bit, deterring me from writing.

None of these are really good excuses, just circumstances. I'm writing this in class, so I'm not spell checking at all.

HOWEVER

I AM GETTING BACK TO THIS. I AM REVISING THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER, RATHER THAN STARTING A NEW ONE.

I feel like the way I ended it makes it harder for me to pick up. There were also errors, and it was just kinda awful in general. I have been in an AP writing class, so my writing style may change slightly.

I think that's about it. I want to talk to you guys, so ask me questions. I'm writing as fast as I can to bring you something good, so please be patient. And again, I apologize.

With love,

-Iceblaze


	7. Chapter 5 (REWRITE)

_**Chapter le 5:**_

Upon entering, every head in the hotel room turned towards you. Unsure of what to do, you stood there uncomfortably and waited for Ryuzaki to say something. Which, after a moment, he did. It appeared was as if he wanted you to become as uneasy as possible, which you could do without his help.

"Gentlemen, meet Y/n. I don't have time, nor do I care, to introduce you all individually. So, please, introduce yourselves when convenient." He stated, and moved to a couch in front of a few televisions. Again, you stood there awkwardly, and waited for someone to do something. But the silence became unbearable after a few moments.

" _You should introduce yourself."_

 _Talking to me again, are you? Oh, wonderful._

 _"Just do us both a favor and don't mess this up."_

"You are really no help at all, you know that?" You said, accidentally, out loud. Everyone in the room turned towards you, an unasked question on their lips. They all looked nervous to be in your presence.

"Watari, please escort Miss L/n to another room, while I explain her present _condition_..." You hated that word. "...to everyone else." Ryuzaki ordered without looking up; he sounded bored, as if he had expected this. Strangely, though, you agreed with him. All these people, though realistically it was only a few, had been burning holes in your skin since you had entered the room.

An older man, assumedly Watari, stood and walked over to you wordlessly, merely placing his hands on your shoulders and steering you into the bathroom. "Right this way, dear."

"Thanks…" You muttered before he left you. Not wanting to think, and With nothing else to do while the agents were discussing who knows what, you decided to count the flowers on the shower curtain. You got to eighty seven before an interruption.

 _"You know what you should do?"_

 _No, I don't. What do you want?_

 _Me neither, but it would be funny if you-"_ It stated, but you cut it off.

 _No, Christ, just Shut_ up _!_

Ryuzaki opened the bathroom door. "You can come out if you want, I've explained you to everyone." He said cooly. Something about that, something about _him_ angered you. How could he be so calm and collected, as if he dealt with people like you on a daily basis?

"Why'd you even get me out?" You started. "Haven't you noticed that I'm very unstable, that I could snap at any goddamn moment?" Your voice was growing louder, shakier, as you continued berating him. "What in the hell is wrong with you?!" Then, you were mute, your voice replaced by a voice of reasoning. The words had come flying out before you could actually consider _what_ you were saying, much less _who_ you were talking too. When your mind had caught up with your mouth, the decision to hush seemed like the best one.

"Y/n, this, coming here, was your decision. You didn't have to comply. If you wish, I can have you taken back to the institution. This is entirely your decision." He said in the same, calm tone. As if he were speaking to a child that had thrown a tantrum.

"No, Ryuzaki I'm sorry, I-never mind." He wasn't your therapist.

"I understand, we'll be working when you're ready." With that, he left. This time, closing the door behind him. Again, you were alone in the bathroom. But you heard someone speaking, then saw feet under the door. He had sent someone to _babysit_ you though, for some reason, this didn't bother you much.

 _"So long as you were quiet, and didn't make a mess you could get away with-"_

 _No._ You stood up and opened the door, fully intent on separating yourself from the thing that was actually a part of you.

"Oh, Y/n!" Said the man who was standing outside the door when you opened it. "I'm supposed to be helping you and stuff, or just making sure you're comfortable. I'm Matsui, c'mon." He said and grabbed your hand, pulling you into the main room with everyone else.

"Okay, RULE TIME." You announced once reaching the room and ripping your hand away. "Number one, don't touch me, please. Strangers touching me makes me very uncomfortable and I'd hate to blow up on one of you." You explained, shooting Matsui a look, which he replied to with an apologetic one of his own.

"Number two, if I tell you to leave me alone, please, just leave me the hell _alone_. I'm not going to explain why, just do it. Also, a side note on that, if I'm left entirely alone, I might do something stupid. So someone keeping an eye on me is actually a good idea.

"Number three, please don't make triggering jokes. I have issues, as I'm sure you've noticed. Four, if I'm seemingly talking to myself, just let me. That's how I sort myself out. Unless you think I'm about to do something stupid, then by all means, stop me."

"Ah, Y/n," The oldest agent, the chief you presumed, spoke. "You keep talking about doing something stupid. What exactly constitutes an action as being stupid?" He questioned.

"Thank you for asking. As you probably know, I've attempted to end my life, and do still harm myself. So by something stupid, I mean something along the lines of harming myself or another person. So that's all I think. As you were." You said and walked over to Ryuzaki. "Give me something to do."

"There are a dozen files that need to be read through, I assume you're a pretty fast reader, so go ahead and start." He answered without looking up. "Matsui will help you."

"Whatever you say, boss." You responded, acquiring the rather large stack of file folders occupying the space adjacent to him. You went over to a vacant corner of the room and sat them down, Matsui following.

"What's it like? Hearing voices, I mean." He questioned, sitting down.

"Well, I only hear one voice, and he's a dick. I can't really describe what it's like, but I can try." You began. "The voice I hear, I am entirely aware that it's not really there, and I'm aware I can silence it. But there's some part of me that must like it, and that's why it's still there. It's not really very helpful, however, there are moments when I'm happy it's there. I mean, it's nice to have somebody to talk to, even if it's only a different part of myself." You finished. Matsui was looking at you oddly, indicating he didn't understand your explanation, though you hadn't anticipated him to.

"I can't understand it for you." You added, then started sifting through your pile of work.

 _ **((**_ _Hey_

 _I finished it! Honestly, this is still not great, but I like it, and its longer. Would you mind, perhaps, giving me some feedback?_

 _Also, should I leave the old version of the chapter, or take it down?_

 _-Iceblaze_ _ **))**_


	8. NOTICE

Hey. It's been awhile since I've posted, or written anything Death Note related for a while. I'm sure you all who actually read this are annoyed, but I have reasons.

· I've moved away from the Death Note fandom.

I still enjoy the show, but I actually haven't watched passed where L dies, so I don't know how it ends.

· I don't know where to take the story.

I'm sure when I started out with this, I was ecstatic; I probably had a detailed plot line/back story for the OC. But, after stepping away from the show for a while to deal with other obligations, I kinda lost what the point of the story was.

· I'm in a much better mental state than when I began this fic.

Originally, this was an outlet for me. The OC greatly reflected my thoughts/feelings/urges. I've gotten better; therefore I can't write the same way I did when I started this.

· I may be better, but I'm not recovered.

Anxiety and depression are my issues, and while I've learned to better cope with them, I still have them, and it's still hard for me sometimes.

· My writing style has changed.

I've been in a few AP English classes since then, and I've improved greatly. Saying that, I'd have to rewrite the entire fic from the beginning in order to continue it. If enough people want me to, I will; I don't see the need for it now, however. And I'm getting a lot busier, this is my senior year of high school, I have a lot to do; don't expect any updates to be regular.

· I've been writing other things.

I mentioned that I've moved away from Death Note. I still watch it, but I'm a bigger fan of other things now. Namely, BTS. I'm sure plenty of you know who they are. I've been writing drabbles and fics centered around them now; if you want to read them, you can find me on Ao3 as sleepy_time_tea

That's really all I have to say. As I said, I'm willing to re-write this fic from the beginning if enough people want it (which I doubt they will). So with that, I'll end this. (I'm not proof-reading)

Stay strong~~

-IceblazeAshstorm


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